Convincing Mom and Dad they Need Help

I ran across this article and I knew I had to post it. It comes from an in-home care agency in Texas.

I have also been through the same situation having parents/grandparents not wanting to have help come into their home, when it’s obvious to everyone else that they desperately need it.

I wanted to post this little article because I want you to know it is universal. Virtually all the homes we go into were initially non responsive to us being there at first. It always takes some convincing from the children. Until a week later that is, when they always appreciate the help.

I hope you find this helpful! Also, contact us if you have any questions, we are here to help…

Richardson Caregiving - Parents Refuse Senior Home Care

Posted by richardson plano senior elder care in Dallas-Fort Worth-Arlington, TX on Mar 10, 2011

Richardson Caregiving - Parents Refuse Senior Home Care: As the owner of a Dallas area company providing senior home care, I have seen many cases in which family members have great difficulty convincing their elderly parent(s) that they need assistance.  I also experienced this problem first hand with my own parents.

It's not easy for any of us to see or admit that we might need help doing what used to be simple activities, Whether its cooking, driving, dressing or just remembering to take the right medications at the right time. Combine that with a tenacious generation that grew up with a great depression and world war, and you have some very independent people who have spent their lives doing for themselves, raising their children, and possibly taking care of their own parents when they were seniors. In addition, our parent's generation is not one to spend money lightly, especially on something that might be viewed as an affront to their personal independence.

I remember when my dad refused to believe that his driving was a danger to himself and others, and I remember trying to convince my mom to let someone else cook when she kept leaving the stove on overnight.  Senior home care was needed, but mom summed up their attitudes best when she said "I don't need another woman in my kitchen doing what I've done perfectly well for 65 years!"

One of the biggest problems that I faced with my parents was the simple fact that I was their child.  In their eyes, I was still just a kid.  How could I possibly know what was best for them.  Compounding my problem was the fact that my mother had Alzheimer's, so discussions and agreements for assistance were soon forgotten, and the whole process was repeated over and over.

These are problems I hear constantly from others throughout the Dallas area who are trying to arrange senior home care for their parents.  As one client's daughter put it, "mom would listen to a stranger off the streets before believing me".

There is no one right answer, however, I have learned a few ways to approach resistant parents that have helped me as well as others over the years.  Simply put - get others involved!  It took me a while to figure out that mom and dad were not going to believe me about their home care needs.  So who would they listen to?

Unlike baby boomers, our parents grew up in a time when traditional authority figures were looked upon as being trusted with little question.  Whether its a doctor, pastor, lawyer, insurance agent, policeman, or best friend.

To my parents, their family doctor was all knowing and highly respected. They also had several friends and cousins who they loved and trusted. So after some calls and discussions regarding my parents issues, a plan was put into place for some visits. 

Although I had been trying unsuccessfully to get dad to quit driving for 2 years, his doctor and insurance agent had him give up the keys in less than a day. I took dad for an arranged "routine" visit with his doctor, who performed a reflex test and had a serious discussion about Dad's slow reflexes and poor eyesite, and how dad could hurt others including children riding in on-coming cars.  His insurance agent, who he'd known for 40 years, came by later
and explained how Dad could be sued if responsible for a wreck,loose his insurance along with money that he and mom relied on for retirement.  And I explained how we could hire a person to help with driving when I wasn't available. He begrudgingly agreed to stop driving immediately.

When the time came, we asked several of Mom's trusted friends to visit and talk to her about "their" memory issues and how they themselves used senior home care professionals to help them around the house.  They wrote their discussion down, everyone signed it, and they gave names of agencies that mom could call. I also enlisted her doctor for an arranged "routine" visit. He gave her a simple memory test and then explained to her about the perils of home activities.  He also wrote her a "prescription" for senior home care that he had her agree to, sign and date.  As I talked to her over the course of the next few weeks, I would show her the notes that she had received and acknowledged.  My brother, sister and I visited soon after, told her how much we loved her, and that we wanted her to accept our gift of senior home care on a "temporary" basis for a week or two just to help her out around the house.

She begrudgingly accepted.

Knowing my Mom's personality, I worked closely with a Dallas senior home care agency to select a caregiver whom I thought mom would like. Over the next 2 weeks of "temporary" help, I stopped by daily to see how it was going
and to remind Mom about our agreement, her friends written recommendation as well as her doctor's prescription    Because of the bond that the caregiver developed with Mom over the first 2 "temporary" weeks, Mom was comfortable to keep having her "friend" come over to help from then on.

Although these particular steps don't work for everyone, the important thing to remember is that patience, love, time, and the enlistment of others can sometimes work wonders.