Preparing Your Children
Whenever a parent/grandparent becomes ill, it may be very confusing and heartbreaking for a child. They won't automatically know how to respond to the changes in their grandparents behavior and health. Their grandparents might not be able to be as involved as they used to be, or they may suffer from dementia, or they may have symptoms that are confusing to a child. All of these things can be addressed in a way that is beneficial for both your children and your parents.
Depending on age, children can't grasp certain medical concepts, death, or other changes that are taking place. There are appropriate ways to communicate with your children about these things. You don't want your child to be caught off guard by your parents declining health, it is better for them to be prepared for what they will experience before they actually experience it.
Talking with your children honestly and simply is the best way to inform them about their grandparents health. There may come a time when you need to talk to them about death. This conversation may vary depending on age and on the individual child's needs.
The first article below gives some tips about how to prepare your child to visit your parents. The second article gives helpful advice on how to talk to your children about death when the time is right.
Although this can be a very difficult time in your child's life, it will also be a learning process and time of growth for them. Teaching them how to cherish every moment and grieve properly will be skills they will need throughout their entire life.
Visiting an elderly grandparent who is frail and ill can be tough for your children whether they're youngsters or teens. There are things you can do before that meeting to make the time together less stressful and more rewarding for both generations.
● First, always remember to treat each child in a way that is appropriate for his or her age. Give your kids the basic information about their grandparent's condition in words they can understand. For example, "emphysema" probably means nothing to them. Tell them Grandma may have trouble breathing and some difficulty talking. She may need some oxygen. Describe an oxygen mask what it does and how it helps her to breathe.
● Talk about what equipment is being used. For instance, if your parent is on an I.V. or has a catheter bag hanging beside the bed. Kids are amazingly curious and "just looking around" may be the way for them to pass the time. Let them know you’ll answer question after the visit with Grandpa.
● Go over appropriate and inappropriate behavior, whether the visit is taking place in a bedroom, a nursing home or the hospital. There's no running around. And like a library or a church, it's a quiet place. And we use our "quiet voices."
● Warn them that all visitors may need to step out of the room if Grandpa has to take care of some personal business with a nurse or attendant.
● If Grandma has dementia, talk about what symptoms the children might see. Explain how she might not recognize them—or you—and might speak as if a long-dead relative is still living.
● Remind your children that when they aren't feeling well they tend to be cranky. The same is true with grown-ups. Grandpa may seem angry or get upset easily but it's not because he's mad at them.
● Offer some suggestions for what they might talk about with their grandparent. They can tell what they're doing in school. They can talk about their sports team or about their pets.
● Suggest that younger children might want to prepare some homemade gift, maybe a drawing to hang on the wall. Explain to older ones that their visit is a gift, one that can mean a great deal to their grandparent.
● Remember that your children may have very few, or no, memories of this person, especially if you live a distance from your parent and, over the years, visiting has been limited. Your father may seem to be only a little old man lying in bed. Tell your kids stories about him. About the Dad you knew. This will help your children understand why it's so important to you that they see him. So important they get to spend time together. Then, too, you’re proud of your children and you want your parent to see them.
● It might help to dig out the old family photo albums. Let your kids see pictures of Mom when she was young. Celebrating birthdays. Opening Christmas presents. Enjoying a vacation. Help your children understand she has a history. She has lived a long life.
● Prepare yourself to talk about death with your children. Don’t just wing it on the spot. This may be especially difficult, but just as you talk about how life begins when there's a newborn around, talk about how life ends. How Grandpa is near the end of life on earth and what that means. Why it's important that, just as life is respected when it comes into the world, so it needs to be as it leaves.
● Talk about how precious life is. And how, just because someone is bedridden, just because someone isn’t making money, it doesn't mean that person's life has no value. Maybe this is a time for Grandma to pray. Maybe it is a time to reminisce with family and friends and say good-bye. Maybe it is all of those, a time to prepare for the life that comes after this life.
● Remind your children they will be in the presence of history. In the presence of wisdom. Tell them you hope years from now they will remember this day, this visit—this person who has meant so much to you.
It’s difficult, if not impossible, to explain death in words that children will understand when we don’t even really understand it ourselves.
Still, it’s important to take the time to talk to your children. These are some points to keep in mind:
--It’s easier to talk to your children about death before your parent is near death. And it is easier to talk about death in general, or the death of someone who isn’t too close to the family, than to talk about the death of a loved one. You might prepare your child by bringing up the subject after an elderly parishioner or neighbor has died.
--You can use books to prepare your child. Local Catholic bookstores will have age-appropriate books for children about death. (For example Your Grieving Child by Bill Dodds (Our Sunday Visitor) and Water Bugs and Dragonflies, by Doris Stickney (Pilgrim Press).)
--You’re upset, too. It isn’t just your parent’s approaching death that can be upsetting to your child; it’s seeing you so upset as well. Don’t gloss over or hide your feelings, but be aware that your child is picking up on them.
--Your child may take the death of your parent very personally. “I’m not going to see my grandma ever again.”
--A child’s sense of security can be rattled. If Grandpa can die, that means Dad can die. If Dad can die, that means I can die.
--It’s important to choose your words carefully. In some ways, talking to your child about death is like explaining “the birds and the bees.” You use words and concepts that someone at his or her age level will more easily understand. At the same time, it helps to remember that different children have different personalities and points of view. One child is more intellectual. Another is more easily frightened. Another is more sensitive. Use an approach that fits each child best. It’s also best to talk to each child individually before bringing up the subject with all your children as a group.
--Talking about death as “falling asleep” or using similar analogies can be confusing for a child. Phrases like those can makes it difficult for some children to sleep because they’re afraid that if they do, they too will die. Also, if they see Grandma napping, they may become frightened that she has died. “God wanted Grandpa with him in heaven”—another common explanation—can make God seem pretty selfish, if not downright mean.
--This can be a good time to talk about spiritual beliefs. Talk about bodies and souls. Yes, we won’t see Grandma again here on earth, but where she’s going is a much better place. again.
Still, it’s important to take the time to talk to your children. These are some points to keep in mind:
--It’s easier to talk to your children about death before your parent is near death. And it is easier to talk about death in general, or the death of someone who isn’t too close to the family, than to talk about the death of a loved one. You might prepare your child by bringing up the subject after an elderly parishioner or neighbor has died.
--You can use books to prepare your child. Local Catholic bookstores will have age-appropriate books for children about death. (For example Your Grieving Child by Bill Dodds (Our Sunday Visitor) and Water Bugs and Dragonflies, by Doris Stickney (Pilgrim Press).)
--You’re upset, too. It isn’t just your parent’s approaching death that can be upsetting to your child; it’s seeing you so upset as well. Don’t gloss over or hide your feelings, but be aware that your child is picking up on them.
--Your child may take the death of your parent very personally. “I’m not going to see my grandma ever again.”
--A child’s sense of security can be rattled. If Grandpa can die, that means Dad can die. If Dad can die, that means I can die.
--It’s important to choose your words carefully. In some ways, talking to your child about death is like explaining “the birds and the bees.” You use words and concepts that someone at his or her age level will more easily understand. At the same time, it helps to remember that different children have different personalities and points of view. One child is more intellectual. Another is more easily frightened. Another is more sensitive. Use an approach that fits each child best. It’s also best to talk to each child individually before bringing up the subject with all your children as a group.
--Talking about death as “falling asleep” or using similar analogies can be confusing for a child. Phrases like those can makes it difficult for some children to sleep because they’re afraid that if they do, they too will die. Also, if they see Grandma napping, they may become frightened that she has died. “God wanted Grandpa with him in heaven”—another common explanation—can make God seem pretty selfish, if not downright mean.
--This can be a good time to talk about spiritual beliefs. Talk about bodies and souls. Yes, we won’t see Grandma again here on earth, but where she’s going is a much better place. again.
